


The Weight of All Things

by Fatale (femme)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec/OMC - Freeform, Alpha Magnus Bane, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barebacking, Fisting, Happy Ending, Knotting, M/M, Mpreg, Omega Alec Lightwood, Possessive Behavior, Prostitution, Rape Recovery, Rimming, Suicidal Thoughts, very dark in places
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-17 09:52:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14186319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/femme/pseuds/Fatale
Summary: Alec's life could go this way or that way.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so this has a weird history: it has been posted before. if it looks familiar, yes, I am that person who posted that absolutely nutty a/b/o fic a week ago. I was super down and a friend offered me $5 and two pieces of pizza to smash as many weird tropes together as possible. i was like, "you fool, I would have done it for the pizza alone." so I wrote the story furiously, leaning into every crazy trope fandom has to offer, using the same flowery language and silliness that usually accompanies them and the result was...not great, but I got surprisingly into it. like, it was supposed to be so casual, friends with benefits, and like an absolute moron, i fell in love and insisted on a quickie Vegas wedding. 
> 
> tl;dr: I took the whole thing down for a fast re-write and I'm reposting it now because there were quite a few subscribers and i feel like it was a bit unkind to post it in its entirety for a few hours for it to just disappear forever.
> 
> if you're looking for something subversive to fandom tropes, you won't find it here. it's extreme h/c and is graphic in every single way possible. you've been warned. I apologize if I've messed up alpha/omega dynamics - uh, I don't usually go here. 
> 
> ceci n'est une pipe!! faux! faux! sometimes a sad lonely hooker!fic is just a sad lonely hooker!fic.

  
I am not the only traveler  
Who has not repaid his debt  
I've been searching for a trail to follow again  
Take me back to the night we met

When the night was full of terrors  
And your eyes were filled with tears  
When you had not touched me yet  
Oh, take me back to the night we met

\- The Night We Met by Lord Huron

 

  
Alec has been cold and hungry for as long as he can remember.

That's not strictly true. Well, ever since he was kicked out of the Institute for being gay when he came out to his parents. Even worse, he was revealed to be an Omega, inherently weak and not to be trusted, unlike Jace and Izzy. It could have been worse; his parents could have put him in front of the Clave to be de-runed, but at least this way, he still had a fighting chance. It was a small kindness.

Broke and alone and with little in the way of practical skills, he soon met up with some boys who taught him one way he could earn a living. It wouldn't be pleasant, but Alec was tough. He could handle pain. With shaking hands and gritted teeth, he used his stele to draw across his parabatai rune. It hurt, left him feeling dizzy and sick, falling endlessly as the invisible cord between them snapped. But the only thing worse Alec could imagine than carving out a piece of his own soul would be Jace knowing any of what followed. 

Jace didn’t need to feel anything that was about to happen to him.

"Servicing clients" -- he'd heard it described that way by some other boys who hustled the streets, showing him the ropes, giving him tips to keep himself as safe as possible. And wasn't that such a funny, dignified way of putting such an inherently degrading act? It was prostitution, plain and simple. 

“What’s a little omega bitch like you doing out here alone and unmated?”

Alec drops his eyes and juts out his hip just right, letting his too-short shirt ride up to expose a thin sliver of pale skin. It's gross, like something out of a bad movie, but he knows what men like this want from him, and his very survival depends on it. 

“Looking for a big Alpha to knot me,” Alec says, tucking his head down and letting his hair - too long and in desperate need of a cut - fall into his eyes. He hates himself a little for playing into the cheesy dialogue, but it's not a new feeling. You can get used to anything with enough time.

To a certain subset of the population, Alec knows he's appealing: tall and well-built, just a hint of danger. Especially to the Downworlders, who relish the opportunity to put a Nephilim in his place. They like to pull his hair, slap him around a little, come on his face. Nothing that he can't physically take, but it chips away at him, little by little, eats him down to his core until he fears one day there'll be nothing left of who he used to be. Alec honestly hates them the most, but those are his most frequent customers and usually pay the best. 

Alec nods towards an alley, one of his favorite places to work. It's next to a dumpster with a stack of cardboard boxes lumped haphazardly beside it. Beneath the boxes is a stele, a seraph blade, and a good old-fashioned switchblade. In case things get out of hand, which they often do, one of those can usually save him. If not, there's a door tucked at the end of the alley not visible from the street. It's as good a place as any and far better than most. 

“Fifty for a blowjob,” he says, eyeing the man’s expensive shoes. A few years ago, the only thing he knew about shoes was what color they were and if he could run in them. He's learned a lot of things he never thought he'd have to know. 

“How much to knot you?” the man asks, and Alec pushes down a shudder of revulsion. The man's about twenty years past his prime and fifty pounds too heavy to be healthy, but he can't afford to turn down paying customers. Never can, really.

“A hundred,” Alec sighs. His first client of the evening, ladies and gents.

It's going to be a long, painful night.

 

\---

 

Knees damp and aching from kneeling on wet pavement, he counts out the small crumpled wad of bills and stuffs them into his pocket. Men looking for some company have slowly tickled off, going home to their sad apartments, or more likely, loving families. Alec tries not to think about it overly much.

Winter is fast approaching and he's going to have to make a stop at the charity shop to get something warmer. But it's hard to get people interested if they can't see what they're getting, so he resigns himself to being uncomfortably cold. 

He cups his hands together and blows into them, fingers tingling painfully as the blood circulates, trying to keep warm.

He goes to the nearest bodega and buys a pack of instant ramen, some oatmeal, saltine crackers, and some cereal, along with coffee and tea, totaling up the cost in his head and weighing it against his meager earnings for the night. It takes a good chunk of his money, and he smiles nervously at the cashier as he hands over the wadded bills, regretfully watching them disappear into the till. He's too big with a haggard, desperate look about him. Even without his runes being visible, he makes cashiers nervous. He's always afraid they’ll think he's trying to shoplift and call the police again.

He takes his small bag and goes to the house he shares with the other boys. They've become his family, of sorts, showing him the tricks of the trade and how to get out of trouble with the police (it's usually offering them a freebie on the house).

Tonight, it looks like he's the first one back, and he sits on his mattress shoved into the corner of one of the back rooms and opens the crackers eagerly. He takes a chipped porcelain mug that has some kind of reference to a movie he doesn't understand and heats up some water for his tea. He wishes he could ask Simon about the reference; he's sure Simon would know. But his life is cleaved directly down the middle into the before and after. Simon is part of the before, when he had a family, and maybe wasn't loved all that much, but he had a place where he belonged. Now, he's adrift, lonely and debasing himself to stay alive. If he ever had any illusions he could go back to his old life, slip back into it like an old familiar glove, he's been disabused of that notion.

No one would want him now.

While the tea steeps, he eats his crackers slowly, one after the other, trying to make the meal stretch out for as long as he can, savoring the feel of food in his belly. He's hungry and eating is one of his few pleasures, but hungry is not starving. He’s actually been starving before, back in the early days when he had pride and tried to make an honest living, but the two aren't comparable. Not even close.

He stashes the rest of the crackers under his pillow and carefully wraps the tea bag up for later. If he doesn’t let it steep for too long, he can get a few more uses out of it. If he gets desperate enough, he can eat the tea leaves. Wow, he's learned all kinds of new and horrible facts living out here.

He takes a small sip of his tea, letting it warm him from the inside out. He has one threadbare blanket, but it won’t be enough to keep him warm tonight, not if the temperate continues to drop.  
Luckily, his heat is coming up and that always guarantees good money, not that he remembers much of it. Days blur into nights, taking job after job. He used to dread the heats, how they made him lose control, but now he's grateful for the extra money and the small pocket of oblivion afforded him. 

He finished his tea and stomach still grumbling, he warms up some more water for the noodles. He drinks the broth first and eats each noodle one at a time, finishing far too quickly. He stares down at the empty cup sadly, but he's done eating for tonight. 

He wipes out his cup with an old t-shirt then puts it on the floor next to his bed. His still-empty belly groaning in protest, Alec lies down, pulls the thin cover over his shoulders and tries to get some sleep.

 

\---

 

He's working the streets again when a fancy black car pulls up. He never knew much about cars before, had little use for mundane travel, but he's learned to spot to the expensive ones. Alec saunters over, being sure to walk a little suggestively. The tinted window rolls down and a handsome man says, “Are you available for tonight?"

What a shockingly polite way to ask if Alec is a hooker.

Alec learned early on from the other boys to try not to go with clients, but it's been a slow night, and he's desperate. His footsteps slow, and he approaches cautiously. "What are you looking for?"

"Nothing wild or unexpected," the man promises. His voice is surprisingly soft, rounded vowels, with a hint of something that once might have been an accent.

Alec waits for the length of one heartbeat, two, then makes up his mind. "Give me just a minute." He hurries to his stash of weapons, slips his stele and knife into his back pocket, then goes back to the car. The seraph blade he come back for later.

He nods to one of the other boys to make sure he takes note of the car Alec's getting into. If he goes missing later, the boy can give the license plate number to the cops, not that they care about missing hookers. He’d learned that the hard way when one of his housemates went missing, and he’d reported the incident to the local precinct, recounting the details he could recall to a bored cop sipping stale coffee.

What was a missing omega prostitute to them, but one less piece of trash on the streets? So many of the boys Alec met were omegas from families like his -- cruel and intolerant. The fact that his family was Shadowhunters and supposed to protect people made it all the worse. Izzy had begged him to stay, Jace had told him he’d go with Alec, but Alec couldn’t do that to them. He couldn’t risk them all getting de-runed by the Clave. They'd let one unimportant omega go AWOL, but multiple Shadowhunters? Would look like an uprising, and the Clave would descend quickly to stamp them out. Besides, Alec never wants to see his brother or sister living like him. 

The man in the car has a carefully trimmed goatee, long spiked hair. He's dangerous looking, beautiful, with the kind of elegant mannerisms Alec associates with people used to getting what they want. What's a man like this doing cruising one of the seediest spots in New York?

“What’s your name?” the man asks once Alec gets in next to him.

“Alec,” he says, not even bothering to lie. What's the point? No one's looking for him.

“How much do you charge for the night?”

Embarrassingly, he's not sure. No one has ever wanted him for a whole night. Alec takes in the rings on the man’s fingers, the leather seats beneath him, and blurts out, “A thousand.” Instantly, he wants to take it back, wants to cringe at the thought that he would be worth that much. He just blew his chance.

“Done,” the man says and pulls away from the curb.

Alec’s heart is leaping. Done? How the hell much money does this man have that he can drop a grand on an omega hooker without a second thought?

Alec licks his lips. “What’s your name?”

“Magnus Bane,” the man says, eyes flashing strangely in the dark.

 

\---

 

Magnus’ apartment is fancy, eclectic, casually eccentric in the manner of the very rich, and makes Alec feel grubby in a way he isn’t used to. His clothes are perfectly suited to the back alleys and streets where he spends the majority of his time.

It’s been a long while since he’s been in a real home.

He tries not to think about home and Izzy and Jace; it hurts too much to think about what he was forced to leave behind.

“I get half up front,” Alec says, afraid Magnus will laugh in his face, tell him it was all a joke, and he’ll have wasted his night and go home empty-handed.

Magnus goes to a small bar cart and pours two drinks. He looks Alec up and down slowly, dark eyes raking over him, assessing curiously, then snaps his fingers. “Done, he says. 

Alec sucks in a breath. He feels a fat wad of bills appear in his pocket. Warlock. Of course _, Magnus Bane_. He’d been with a few warlocks, but never the High Warlock, and he’d never been to a warlock’s home, if this is even where he lives. But there's a lived-in feeling, a careless air, a shirt draped over the back of the couch, that suggests he's brought Alec to his primary residence. 

It's highly irregular. Nothing of tonight has gone how Alec expected, not that he's complaining. But it leaves Alec feeling unsure and wrong-footed. He's gotten used to a vague sense shame, fear, and hunger, but he thought he'd made peace with what he was a long time ago.

Well, it’s good money. Besides, his heat is beginning to itch under his skin uncomfortably. It would be nice to spend it in a real bed for once, maybe with someone that if he closed his eyes and pretended, he could feel like cared about him, would maybe want him as a mate. It's never going to happen, but it’s still a nice thought.

Alec doesn’t bother to count out the money -- he can tell Magnus overpaid, and even if not, it's still more than he could have reasonably expected to make tonight.

“Do you want me to take off my clothes?” he says, stuttering a bit. He’s never done anything like this. Usually, by now, he’d be wiping his mouth and onto the next client.

“Drink?” Magnus asks, ignoring his question and holding out a glass to him half-filled with amber liquid, sloshing across the sides.

“I don’t drink,” Alec says. He’s not lying --he didn’t drink before and doesn’t now. Drinking while working dulls your senses, and it's a good way to end up dead or someplace you didn't agree to be. 

Unlike most lessons, Alec didn't have to learn that one personally. On a terrifying and dark night, he saw his missing roommate dragged into the house by the other boys, face swollen and bloodied, had pressed rags to his oozing cuts with shaking hands and wondered if this was the inevitable outcome to all their lives. A slip-up, trusting the wrong client, a careless decision, all leading to rattling breaths, blood between your teeth and around your gums, beneath your fingernails. 

He's taking such a fucking risk being here, but Magnus--sometimes there are just people that spark something in you, and Alec had long thought there was nothing left.

“More for me,” Magnus says and sits on the couch, leaning back insouciantly, like the king of his tiny domain. He eyes Alec, evaluating, maybe sensing his discomfort. “Strip.”

Alec hopes Magnus doesn't expect a show; he's not much to look at. He pulls off his shirt and unsure of what to do with it, folds it and sets it on the floor next to him.

Magnus makes a sound that sounds suspiciously like a snort.

Alec unzips his jeans, pushes them down and realizes his mistake at once: he forgot to take off his shoes first. Embarrassed, he sits down and pulls off his sneakers and worn socks, then kicks off his pants. Then he’s standing, naked and shivering in the middle of a stranger’s apartment, red-faced and trying not to cover himself up.

Magnus finishes up both drinks and unzips his pants, lifts his hips and pulls them down.

And now they’re on familiar territory. Alec feels all the muscles in his body unknot; this is a language Alec speaks.

Alec drops to his knees, crawling towards Magnus, gratified to see his breathing speed up, his pupils narrow and constrict in the half-light. The curtains are open, the sky inky black beyond the city lights. 

He lays his hands on Magnus’ knees and pushes them apart, settling himself in the space there.

He not one for delicacy, doesn't generally have the time for it. He grabs Magnus’ thick cock, tongues the slit, tastes the precome beading at the tip. Magnus sucks in a breath and Alec looks up at him through his dark eyelashes, giving Magnus the only kind of show he knows how to as he swallows him down. He feels Magnus bump the back of his throat and deliberately relaxes his mouth around it. Alec hollows his cheeks, eyes never straying as he pulls off until Magnus' cock nearly slips from his mouth, then takes him in again.

Alec pulls off completely with an obscene pop, then leans down and licks a stripe from Magnus' balls to the tip of his cock before swallowing him again, relishing the guttural groan rattling in Magnus‘ chest, the way he throws his head back, unable to look at Alec any longer.

Alec makes quick work of him after that, bobbing and sucking, too eager to use much finesse. Magnus tugs at his hair and Alec swats his hand away, sucks harder until he feels Magnus come down his throat, hot and bitter. 

Alec sits back and wipes his chin, nervously hoping he gave Magnus his money’s worth.

Judging by the boneless sprawl on the couch, the absentminded way he’s clutching at the cushions, legs splayed wide, Alec did.

Stomach churning, Alec waits for Magnus collect himself. Magnus takes a few shuddering breaths, sits up and says, “Lube is on the bed, go prep yourself. Get on all fours and wait for me.”

Alec does.

 

\---

 

Alec preps himself, though he doesn’t have much work to do.

He opens himself up every night before going out to work just in case he has a client who isn’t into waiting. He’d learned that the hard way and couldn’t work for three nights after that particular client had finished with him. He remembers limping back home, back cramping and burning, each shot of pain tearing up his spine like lightning. He’d been aching and sore when he got home, had taken a scrap of fabric and wiped away streaks of blood.

He presses two fingers into himself, then adds a third until he feels loose and slick, ready for Magnus. He crawls on the lush bed, silky sheets sliding beneath his hands and knees, and waits, exposed.

The floor creeks behind him as Magnus comes in, clothes hitting the floor carelessly, and Alec feels a little stupid all over again for folding his tattered clothes so carefully. Magnus was probably laughing at him the entire time.

Alec jumps as he feels a warm hand slide up his flank up to his chest, circling a nipple and pinching roughly. Alec sucks in a breath against the sharp sting. Magnus’ Alpha scent fills his nostrils, musky and nearly overpowering, and against his will, his body responds, longing overtaking embarrassment. His ass leaks, aches. He’s been ashamed for so long of his Omega status, tried to hide it when he found out, and later, used it to lure in clients who wanted to abuse an Omega Shadowhunter, that he’s not sure what to do when Magnus groans appreciatively. He feels a tongue circle his entrance, lapping up the rivulets of slick that streaks down his thighs.

“You taste so good,” Magnus says from behind him and Alec doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t think he could speak, even if he did. No one has ever touched him this way. It's never been about what makes him feel good, just the clients.

“Open up for me, my little Omega,” Magnus says from behind him before thrusting his entire tongue in and licking deep, and that’s it, game over. Alec feels his stomach clench, balls draw up and he’s coming soundlessly, ass clenched around Magnus’ hot tongue.

Magnus lowers him onto the bed, unbelievably soft beneath his sore body. Alec doesn’t think he’s ever felt anything so soft, not at the institute, and certainly not after. It’s a dangerous thing to get used to. He doubts he’ll ever feel it again after this night is over.

Magnus runs a finger up his ass, sinking it into him where he’s loose, wet, and leaking. In response, Alec rolls on his stomach and spreads his legs in invitation. Of course, for a grand, Magnus is going to want more than a sloppy blowjob and to eat Alec out.

Magnus pulls his finger out and Alec feels the blunt head of his cock at his entrance and concentrates on breathing evenly as it breaches him slowly, stinging, even as prepped as he is. Magnus is big, bigger than any other Alpha he’s taken.

It takes what feels like forever for Magnus to be fully-seated, balls deep in Alec’s ass, and he doesn’t give Alec any time to adjust, just pulls back until he’s almost out, then slams back in, setting a punishing pace. Alec cries out as Magnus tilts his hips, hitting that place inside him that makes his vision white-out, see stars.

“Say you’re mine,” Magnus says, voice low and rough in his ear.

“Yours,” Alec gasps, “I’m yours.”

“Say you’ll always be mine.”

“I’ll always be yours,” Alec parrots back, breathlessly, not thinking overly much. He's lost in sensation, the feeling of Magnus inside him, around him, legs curled loosely around his back.

Magnus thrusts especially deep, and Alec, unable to come again so soon, moans loudly.

As if Magnus lives to defy all of Alec's expectations, he feels the familiar tightness in his belly, his cock leaking. He moves his hand down to his own cock, but Magnus beats him there. He takes Alec’s cock in his hand and strokes once, twice, and then to Alec’s surprise, he's coming again, barely registering Magnus filling his ass up, knot swelling.

Is this what it’s like for mated couples? Alec wonders. Do they fuck and knot all through their heats, then hold each other in bed while they’re limp and shocky with the comedown?

Alec doesn’t know, probably never will. But lying next to Magnus, Alec can let himself imagine.

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Chapter 3 is the end of the story plus an epilogue, which will go up at the same time. I hope to post it today or tomorrow. I'd really like this to be done, but I don't know when I'll have the time to sit down and edit it.  
> \- There is explicit rape in this chapter. I have tagged for it and it is marked in the fic itself if you'd like to skip over it. I have also added a couple extra tags for warnings, so please be sure to skim them before reading further.  
> \- If you've added me to get fic notifications, you probably shouldn't. This has been fun, a real writing exercise to pop me out of my comfort zone, but I'm not going to write anything similar again. Whew, this story is fuckin' heavy.

 

 

The cold wind's biting into him, his clothes barely keeping it at bay. The extra money Magnus gave him let him buy an extra blanket and a few hooded jackets, which if he layers one on top of the other, almost keeps him warm. He can’t wait for the night to be over so he can go back home, wrap up in his new blanket and close his eyes.

Magnus had been kind, probably far more than someone like him deserved. He’d let Alec spend the night, fall asleep in his nice bed, had sent him on his way with a travel mug of coffee, hot and sweet, and far more money than they’d agreed on. Alec wasn’t happy, exactly, but it was closer than he could remember being in a long time.

Now he’s back on the streets, but with a safety net of cash that gives him hope instead of the low, sick thrum of fear he’s been living in.

His heat was supposed to start yesterday. He thought he felt it sometime last night, but he feels fine now, clear-headed and energized. So he assumes it was a false alarm. He might ask his roommate about it later, but so many of the omega boys don’t know much about themselves or how their heats work. Shameful secrets rarely get talked about, and they're all from families that found it _extremely_ shameful.

Someone approaches from his left. Crumpled business suit, scuffed wingtips, hunched shoulders -- definitely someone on the prowl and ashamed of it, just his specialty. Alec leans against the side of the building and tries to look seductive despite the fact that he can‘t feel his toes.

Looks like he has a date.

 

\---

 

Alec did alright, a few quick jobs while he thought of dark eyes and extravagant bedsheets, soft hands holding his hips hard enough to bruise. It was enough to make him come while being fucked roughly, hands stinging as he braced himself against the brick wall. He always gets paid extra if he comes; clients like to think he really wants to be there.

He says hello to a few of the guys already back for the night, goes straight to his room and takes the small bag of food he picked up on his way home. He stopped by a thrift shop and got a couple of mismatched bowls and a hotplate as a rare indulgence.

He heats up the water for the oatmeal, opens up a can of beans and eats them straight out of the can, ravenous from almost an entire day without food, while he waits for the water to bubble.

“Hey,” says Sebastian, a relative newcomer to their group, from where he’s leaning against the open door. Alec tries to like everyone, but he doesn’t trust Sebastian. Something about him feels off, snakey like he’s not to be trusted. He's always following Alec with his eyes, calculating and far too interested. He rarely goes out, mostly organizes the boys, watches over them, and takes far too big of a cut at the end of the night.

“Do okay tonight?” Alec says wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

Sebastian shrugs. “Good enough.” He eyes Alec’s new bowls and hotplate enviously. “Not as well as you, obviously.”

“Just got lucky,” Alec says nonchalantly, trying to play it off. If Magnus ever comes back, he doesn’t want Sebastian scooping him. Magnus is good people and even if he doesn’t want Alec again, wants to try someone new - Alec’s heart clenches a bit at the thought - then he could certainly do better than Sebastian.

“Why don’t you show me what got you such a good tip?” Sebastian says, coming into the room and sitting next to Alec.

Alec can feel himself draw in, automatically try to make himself smaller. Alec knows he wasn’t always this way, knows there was a time when he held himself tall and fought, but life’s been too unkind to him. He has learned that he’ll always lose, and it hurts less to just lie down and take the punches that get thrown his way.

“Kind of tired,” Alec tries, flinching away from Sebastian’s hand grasping at his arm.

For a second, anger flares in Sebastian’s eyes, furious and out of proportion to his casual dismissal. He’s made it clear since he got here that he has a thing for Alec, and Alec's tried to make it just as clear he isn’t interested. So far, he’s taken all of Alec’s rejections with decent enough grace, but he still keeps trying.

Just as soon as it appears, the anger sputters out, and an oily smile spreads across Sebastian’s face. “Another time then,” he says softly, getting up to leave.

“Yeah, maybe,” Alec says and runs a hand through his hair. His oatmeal has gone cold, and Alec really isn’t hungry anymore, but he can’t afford to waste food.

 

\---

 

The next morning he feels tired and sick. He must be coming down with something, he thinks, cursing his luck. Of _course_ , he is. Because doesn't his life just fucking work that way?

Alec rinses his mouth out and washes up as best as he can. The shower is broken, rusted out, and clearly had something living in it before he moved into the room, but he has running water, and it’s a far better setup than he has any right to expect. Before this, he was sleeping in alleys and bus stations.

It can always be worse, he tells himself, and tries to wake up. He makes himself a cup of tea and gets going for the day. He needs to wash out his clothes early -- they’ll take forever to dry in the cold air, and he wants to stop by the library to finish the book he started last week. He’s been dying to know how it ends. Alec would check it out, but he needs a valid mailing address for a library card as the librarian on duty explained to him, eyes wide and sad. So he’s been reading books a few chapters at a time when he can carve out a few leisure hours in his daily grind, but he loves the library, anyway. The warmth, the slightly musty odor of the books, the quiet broken up only by the soft clack of computer keys.

Reasonably, Alec knows he cannot continue this way. He won’t live long.

If he’s very lucky, he’ll be like one of the older boys -- aged out of the rent boy category, too told to catch the eye of men looking for young omega company, but too stubborn to die, eking out a meager living on the fringes, wasting away day by day. If he’s unlucky, well. He needs to get tested. Shamefully, he forgot about using a condom with Magnus in all his eagerness to be fucked by the Alpha. Jesus, it’s one of the reasons omegas can’t take care of themselves. Maybe his parents were right, and omegas weren’t cut out to be Shadowhunters, couldn’t be trusted to watch Jace and Izzy’s back. He’d never forgive himself for getting either of them hurt for being too weak, easily distracted, and overly emotional.

Alec finishes his tea and thinks about eating, but nothing sounds good, makes him feel a little nauseous even picturing it.

He pulls on his cleanest clothes and gathers his few meager belongings to rinse them out in the sink.

 

\---

 

A few weeks later, he’s back on his favorite corner when a familiar car pulls up. Alec pushes down his growing excitement and tries to act cool, but it’s Magnus and he can’t deny he’s thought about him, probably more than is healthy. The window rolls down.

“Get in,” Magnus says, grinning at him. "Unless you're too busy."

"Well, I do have a full dance card," Alec says, looking up and down the empty street pointedly.

"Should I make an appointment with your secretary first?"

Sebastian rounds the corner and comes to an abrupt halt, watching Alec lean into the open window. 

"I could probably squeeze you in," Alec says playfully, pushing down his growing unease at Sebastian's eyes boring into the back of his head.

"Aren't I lucky?" Magnus says, voice soft.

Alec’s breaking every rule in the book for Magnus, but he can’t make himself care overly much. Every part of his body is screaming out for Magnus, aching to be with him again, and he never, not in a million years, thought Magnus would want him back. He gets in the car, stomach fluttering.

Ignoring the voice whispering in the back of his mind that he's being so, so stupid, he settles in for the ride and tries desperately not to get his hopes up.

He fails miserably.

 

\---

   
As soon as they make it through the front door, Magnus presses in close, undressing him slowly. "Exactly how many jackets are you wearing?" he askes, removing the third one.

"It's cold outside," Alec says simply. Not like there was anyone around to impress, anyway, before Magnus came along.

"Ah, there you are," Magnus says as he unzips the last layer and sees Alec's bare chest, his collarbones, which he kisses. “Couldn’t stop thinking about you,” Magnus murmurs against his neck and Alec tilts his head back, gives him more space as Magnus kisses and bites from his shoulder to his jaw. He clutches Alec’s face in his hands, and Alec could cry at the tenderness of it; he’s never felt so special, so wanted.

They make their way to the bedroom until Magnus backs him up to the bed, strips off his own clothes, opens him up slowly, then slides into Alec’s body like he’s meant to be there, like Alec was created for him. Magnus fucks him carefully, hands holding Alec’s knees apart, dotted with small fading white scars.

Last time they did this, it was fantastic, a revelation, but this time is--

His eyes sting, and he bites his lip, breathing hard. He turns his face away, but Magnus follows him, kisses the corner of his eyes, wet with tears. “Wanted you so much,” Magnus says. He thrusts particularly deep and Alec groans in appreciation. “Say you’re mine,” Magnus says.

“I’m yours,” Alec manages to gasp.

“Say you’ll always be mine.”

And oh, goddamnit, Alec is in so much trouble, he's going to get his heart _obliterated_ , because he means it, means every word of it. “I’ll always be yours,” he confesses.

 

\---

 

In the morning, Magnus rolls over and looks at him carefully, face guarded. It’s nothing like the warmth of last night or the time before. He leans over and scents him carefully. “I think you should leave.”

Alec, heart thudding, sits up. “D-did I do something wrong?” he stutters, then wants to smack himself. Of course, he did something wrong. He always does. Isn’t that what everyone’s been saying to him his whole life?

Alec gets out of bed and pulls on his clothes, feeling ashamed and not knowing exactly why. He hopes he gets paid for last night. They didn’t even discuss his fee. Magnus makes him so fucking stupid.

Magnus hands him a wad of cash and Alec stuffs it in his pocket, unable to look Magnus in the eyes. After last night, he’d thought. Well, it doesn’t matter what he’d thought. In the bright light of day, Magnus must see him for what he is -- a cheap whore, a disgraced Shadowhunter, a used up omega. Even if finding a mate was something Alec ever wanted, no upstanding citizen would have him now, especially not High Warlock Bane.

When he’s at the door and letting himself out, Magnus is sitting on the couch, staring down at his clenched fists, jaw ticking.

Magnus’ voice stops him in his tracks. “Why didn’t you tell me you were already mated?”

Alec looks up, too momentarily surprised to remember he’s afraid to look at Magnus and see the disgust there. “What do you mean?”

Magnus’ eyes are hard. “Your scent’s changed from last time. I didn't notice it last night. You smell mated and a mated omega that would-”

He doesn’t have to finish. Despite what precious little information there is traveling around about omegas, even Alec knows a mated omega that cheats on their alpha is an anathema, something so dirty and shocking that it’s practically unheard of.

Alec shrugs his shoulders a little helplessly. He doesn’t know what to say. “I’m not,” he says and leaves. He doesn’t add that no one has ever wanted to be his mate, not even close.

 

 

\---

WARNING: EXPLICIT RAPE

\---

 

  
He’s too tired to deal with Sebastian’s shit today. He wanted to go to the library but couldn't make himself go to his sanctuary and taint it with unpleasant memories. Instead, he's sitting on the edge of his mattress with Sebastian standing above him, glaring down. "I'm not interested," Alec says dully.

"You should be nicer to me. I could take care of an omega like you," Sebastian says. "No alpha will take you. I'm the only chance you have."

Alec scoffs. It's not like Sebastian is in much better condition than he is, just newer to the street. Still, he's charming in a horrible way, and he's already got more than a few boys working for him. Alec is not interested in what he's offering on any level and never will be. Because he's distracted and heartsick, he can't sense the creeping danger and tell Sebastian this.

Sebastian's face goes dark, and he pushes Alec back on the bed.

“What the fuck?” Alec says, scrabbling to get up.

“I know you were with your big tipper last night,” Sebastian sneers. “I just want to know what you’ve got that keeps him coming back.”

Alec pushes down his reflexive fear and disgust and shoves back against Sebastian’s chest, but nearly steady malnutrition and the fact that he hasn't trained since he got here has left him shockingly defenseless. It's not an easily defensible stance to be in, on his back with Sebastian on top of him, and Sebastian probably knows it. 

His mind goes blank, a muted static, as he tries to process the fact that Sebastian is pulling off his clothes and pushing his legs apart and this is going to happen whether he likes it or not. This is the same position that he was in just last night with Magnus, the first time someone had fucked him face to face and wasn’t trying to pretend he was someone else or someone they wanted to degrade.

This is nothing like that time, there’s no prep, and as loose as Alec is from last night, it’s not enough. It’s going to hurt. He scratches at Sebastian’s face, and Sebastian slaps him hard for his trouble. Dazed, ears ringing, Alec cries out as Sebastian fucks into him, tearing him from the inside. He’s burning up, blood warm and tricking out, as Sebastian thrusts mindlessly, groaning with pleasure. Alec stops fighting, knees shaking, as he looks out the dirty window. It’s going to snow soon.

He used to love the snow. When they were done with their daily training, sometimes his mom would let him and Izzy go out and play. They'd make snowmen and snow angels that they’d nickname after real Angels. After Jace came to live with him, sullen and standoffish at first, he’d reluctantly go out with them, too. The first time Alec started a snow fight, he had, despite his nervousness and the weird shaky feeling the new boy gave him, thrown a snowball at Jace.

Jace looked up, outraged. Alec threw another snowball, kept going until Jace laughed, full-throated and purely happy. Alec had fallen a little in love then, back before he knew what it meant or could even put a name to it. Izzy joined in, and they all played until the sun went down, and then they trudged, half-frozen and happy, inside.

Alec hates to think of those pristine, shining moments with Sebastian on top of him, his body burning like he’s being branded with a red-hot poker. But he can’t live with what’s happening now, so he retreats until he can’t, until Sebastian thrusts so hard, he rocks Alec up, nearly off the mattress and comes deep inside him. Alec whimpers as Sebastian pulls out, feels come and blood leaking out of him, ruining the new blanket he bought last week. He's going to have to soak it in cold water, he thinks.

Alec rolls on his side, curling his body in on itself, groaning in pain, so exhausted he can barely keep his eyes open. 

“I’m no Alpha,” Sebastian coos in his ear, “but I can knot you just as well as your mate can.”

He doesn’t have a mate, Alec thinks through the thick fog in his mind. Everyone keeps _saying_ that, but--

Alec takes deep, shuddering breaths. The sheet beneath his head is soaked with sweat. He has no clue what Sebastian’s talking about until he sees Sebastian make a fist. Oh, _no_. No, no, no. Alec tries to scramble away, hands pawing uselessly at sheets, as Sebastian drags him back.

Alec screams as Sebastian knots him.

 

  
\---

 

END OF SCENE

 

\---

 

 

Alec takes whatever fits in his backpack, and the rest gets left behind. If he has any chance of getting into a shelter tonight, he has to queue up early. He can’t spend another night here.

Sebastian left a while ago while Alec stared at the window, mind blank.

He rolls over and tries to stand up once, fails, and braces himself against the wall as he straightens out the best he can. He gathers his blanket and slowly rinses it under the tap, desperately trying to get the blood out. He'd like to throw it out, burn it, but with record freezing temperatures, it may be the only thing between him and freezing to death.

He tries the shelter on Saratoga Avenue first but can tell by the long line that it’s no use. Sweating and shaking with adrenaline and fear, he manages to get six blocks to the next shelter, only to miss the cutoff by five minutes. The sun’s going down, and he’s out of time.

He brought all his food, but he feels too sick to eat.

Barely able to walk, he staggers to the nearest alley and thinks longingly of rest. How bad could it be? It seems like it would be almost peaceful. To go to sleep and never wake up has a certain appeal, but Alec has always been, always will be a Shadowhunter. He was, he reminds himself daily, built to survive and protect. He can do at least one those things tonight, so he walks to keep himself warm, keeps going through the white-hot pain and burning muscles.

If he wants to survive the night, Alec has to keep moving.

He goes so far that he loses track of where he is. He lost feeling in his limbs hours ago, keeps his blanket wrapped tightly around him. The streets are mostly deserted, but those that pass give him a wide berth and disapproving looks.

Alec blinks dully as he stares out into the horizon, realizes the sky is turning gray, the first ray of sunlight making its way through the darkness. The muscles in his legs seize up, and he staggers to the nearest solid surface, a brick wall, and slides down until he’s shivering on the ground. Mentally and physically exhausted, he closes his eyes, unable to go any further. He mostly feels sorry he won't ever see Izzy or Jace again. He would have liked to see the snow with them one last time.

His last thought is reserved for Magnus, always Magnus. They were not done with each other yet.

Next to him, a door opens, and he hears a voice way, “Alec? Alec!”

Strong arms loop under his, and he feels himself being half-carried, half-dragged inside somewhere warm, safe and so achingly familiar that Alec finally lets himself sleep.

 

\---

 

  
When he wakes up, the sun’s setting, and he’s in a bed. The sheets are blue now, but it’s unmistakably familiar, the scent of sandalwood and something slightly spicy lingering in the sheets. A low voice is talking outside. He sits up, wincing at the way his muscles pull and twinge in protest. It was Magnus that found him this morning and brought him inside, but a part of him had already known that. Maybe unconsciously, he was always heading in this direction.

Alec realizes his clothes have been stripped off sometime while he was asleep, and he clutches the covers closer. He cares for Magnus, but he can’t. Not now. He should probably go and explain himself before Magnus gets angry again, and he loses him as a client forever.

He’s looking for his clothes when the door opens and Magnus comes in. “What are you doing?”

Alec keeps his eyes down low, unsure of what Magnus wants to hear. “I should, uh. I should probably get out of your hair. You’ve done enough.” And he has. Magnus has been far kinder than Alec deserves, treated him better than Alec has any right to expect.

“I have a friend coming by to check you out. She’s a nurse.”

Alec shakes his head. “I’m fine,” he lies.

Magnus hesitates, sounding uncharacteristically cautious. “I changed your clothes.” When Alec tenses up, he adds hastily, “I did it with magic. I didn’t touch you.”

So Magnus knows. He knows what Alec let Sebastian do to him, and though his opinion couldn’t possibly be lower than what it was before, he must really think Alec’s awful now. Alec hugs his arms around himself and tries to breathe.

“I know we aren’t exactly friends, and you don’t have to tell me what happened,” Magnus says quietly, “but you should talk to someone.”

It's so pathetic that Alec can hardly say it, the words get stuck somewhere in his throat, but he forces himself to confess, “I don’t have anyone.”

Magnus looks hard at him now. “Where’s your mate?”

If possible, Alec tries to shrink down smaller. Everyone seems to think he has a mate, but he’s never been mated, not even close. “I don’t have one.”

Magnus looks troubled. “Perhaps Catarina will have an explanation once she takes a look at you. Stay until then at least, then you can leave if you really want to. I don’t keep people here against their will.”

Alec hates that he’s inconveniencing Magnus more, has no idea how much Catarina will charge for her services, but he doesn’t have much choice.

He needs to find out what’s wrong with him.

 

\---- 

 

Catarina has warm hands and a soothing voice as she examines Alec slowly, carefully explaining what she’s going to do before she does anything, keeping contact as minimal as possible. She urges him to go to the police, which makes Alec’s chest seize up in icy fear. They’ve never helped him before, why would they now?

“Okay, okay,” she says, making soothing noises while Alec takes panicky gulps of air. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” She lays her hand out, palm up, but doesn’t make any attempt to touch him.

Alec nods his head and inches his hand forward slowly across the comforter until it’s clasped tightly in hers.

“I’ve repaired the tearing and physical damage not already taken care of by your iratze, and Alec, please don’t worry about the fetus -- they’re perfectly fine. Babies are very resilient.”

Alec’s focus narrows, his body goes numb. Catarina startles a little when Alec squeezes her hand entirely too tightly, but he can’t let go. “What fetus, where?” It's the weirdest phrase he's ever uttered, and clients have asked for some truly bizarre stuff.

She blinks wide eyes. “You didn’t know?”

“I can’t--”

“It’s early yet, Alec.” She searches for words. “Does this child belong to whoever did this to you?”

“It was only yesterday,” Alec says. “It couldn’t-”

“No, you’re a few weeks along.”

“There hasn’t been-,” Alec starts to say, then stops. There’s only one person he’s had sex with without protection. Only Magnus. Oh, God. Magnus is going to _hate_ him.

Just then, Magnus knocks. “All clear to come in?”

“Sure,” Alec says. He’s mostly dressed in a pair of clean cotton pajama pants and a soft t-shirt. They’re not his, and it just feels like one more insurmountable debt he owes Magnus. If he keeps going at this rate, Alec’s going to have to become Magnus’ personal serf, learn to farm, and dedicate his harvest to him in the Fall.

“I’ve been trying to get you placed somewhere. Of course, you can stay here until we get you proper accommodations,” Magnus says, holding his cell phone distractedly.

“Magnus,” Catarina says, voice sharp, “you can’t send a pregnant omega to a shelter.” Alec didn’t know the soft-spoken Catarina could even sound so severe and pulls back. Years of being belittled and criticized by his mother has made it an involuntary movement.

He can see it hit Magnus. It’s almost comical how he can see Magnus mentally doing the math. He slept with Magnus the first night of his heat, then smelled mated the next morning. They’re both so fucking stupid. How did they miss this?

Magnus swallows. “That’s impossible. I’m already mated.”

For the second time, Alec feels the bottom drop out of his stomach. As if he couldn’t feel any worse, he’s been sleeping with a mated alpha. Alec is certain Magnus isn’t the first, but it’s the first one he’s known about for certain. Ever since he found out his father had been cheating on his mother, the thought of sleeping with someone’s mate had made Alec sick, even though there was so much less stigma around alphas cheating than omegas.

If he had anything in his stomach, he’d have thrown it up. Instead, he dry-heaves over the side of the bed, where Catarina rushes to his side with a cool cloth that she wipes over his brow. “When’s the last time you ate?”

When he can answer, Alec tells her, “Two days ago, I think.”

She shakes her head. “We’ll start with chicken broth before we move onto solids. Get some rest while I go out and talk with Magnus.”

The day has been overwhelming. He really should get dressed and stop bothering everyone, but he’s so tired that all he can do is obey her and sleep.

 

\---

 

When Magnus wakes him up later, Alec blinks sleepy eyes at him. He licks his dry, chapped lips. “Did you find a place for me? I can look myself if you want.”

Magnus looks gutted, sitting on the side of the bed with a bowl in his hands. “You don’t ever have to leave, Alec.”

“No,” Alec says, struggling to sit up. “I’m not your responsibility. I can take care of myself. I’ve been doing it for years.”

“Clearly,” Magnus says and Alec feels his cheeks color. Of course, Magnus thinks he’s doing a terrible job of taking care of himself. He’s been selling his body, he’s unmated and pregnant now. He’s failed miserably in almost every way a person can fail. “Hey,” Magnus says and puts the bowl on the nightstand. “I mean it. You’ve survived by yourself. You can take care of yourself, I know that. I just wish you’d let me do it for a while.”

“Why, because of this?” he asks, curling a protective arm around his belly. Now that he’s calm and well-rested, warm without the low buzz of panic and survival clouding his every thought, he can feel it -- the small bud of warmth in his belly, the smell of burnt sugar that clings to his clothes. He doesn’t smell mated, exactly, but he does smell different, close.

“I’m not going to lie and say that’s not a big part of it, but there’s something about you. I didn’t want anything before I met you,” Magnus says slowly, carefully. “I could feel myself shutting down. I picked up people at clubs, then moved to --" he coughs delicately "-- _paid companionship_ , all the while feeling myself slipping away from the world. And then I saw you and you were so, so--”

“Messy? Pathetic?” Alec asks, a sardonic tilt to his mouth.

“Radiant,” Magnus says. “You’re radiant. You have clue how special you are, Alexander.”

Alec feels warmth suffuse his body at the nickname. In his experience, nicknames are special. If someone cares about you enough, they might give you another name, something just for themselves, a coded word for just two people. No one has ever called him anything but Alec.

“You’re probably hungry,” Magnus says. He picks up the bowl and Alec takes it from him, stuttering an apology when his shaky hands slosh some broth out of the side. Magnus’ hand steadies his, and he takes a spoon and gently feeds the soup to Alec.

And Alec, for the first time in a long time, simply lets him.

 

 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only an epilogue to post. I'm going to TRY to edit it today because I'm going to be busy all day tomorrow.

  
I've been thinking 'bout tomorrow  
Instead of drowning in the past  
Oh we had good times even back when  
Dreams were all we had to last

So as I wake up this bright morning  
Nothing's gonna bring me down  
Waves are singing, wind is borning  
Summer's here to stick around

\- Still by Seinabo Sey

 

 

  
Magnus waves a hand when Alec inquires what he owes Catarina. “She’s an old friend doing me a favor, but she wouldn’t charge you anyway.”

He wants Alec to stay with him, at least until the baby is born, and Alec hates himself a little for it, but he accepts. He can’t work in his condition; he has very little cash on hand and no savings. It’s not just about him anymore, either. Alec has a child to consider.

Magnus sets up his few meager belongings in the guest room and makes it abundantly clear that Alec is a housemate, not expected to sleep with Magnus for money or otherwise. It stings a little to know that  
Magnus no longer wants him, but Alec’s honestly a bit relieved. He can barely stand to touch his own body in the shower without shuddering.

The guest room is more than he’d expected given the opulence of the of the apartment, but it’s wonderful, with a huge comfortable bed, two nightstands, a chair tucked in the corner and an assortment of small fancy pillows that Alec can’t understand the purpose of.

Alec’s morning sickness happens to be the sucky all day kind, and he eats small bland meals all throughout the day while sipping ginger ale. In a small notebook, he writes down everything Magnus has given him, determined to pay Magnus back for all his charity. It’s crazy behavior, he knows this and yet can’t make himself stop.

In the meantime, Alec takes to cooking and cleaning, even though he knows Magnus could do it all with a flick of his wrist. He can’t help it, he just hates feeling so useless. He could try to get a job but without a work history, it would be hard. And as soon as he starts showing, any day now, he’ll be fired. No one wants to hire a pregnant omega.

He’s on the balcony feeding Magnus’ cats when Magnus saunters out eating a muffin Alec made earlier with an extra one on a plate. He’s wearing silky sleep pants and a matching robe, open and displaying an embarrassingly perfect expanse of skin. “Alexander, these are wonderful.”

Alec blushes terribly. “It’s just a mix. I didn’t do anything special.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that. It’s more than I can do,” Magnus says ruefully. “Are you calling me stupid?”

Alec blanches. “No, of course not!”

“Then just admit you did something well.”

“Okay, I’m excellent at making muffins,” Alec huffs, laughing a little. It’s not a skill he ever thought he’d have, but it’s better than nothing at all.

Magnus sets both plates on the table and pops the last bit of muffin in his mouth. “So tell me, what are your plans after the baby?”

The thought had crossed Alec’s mind, had actually kept him lying awake at night, tossing and turning. “I guess I could go back to work,” he says quietly, head down, studying his muffin as if it holds some secret answers to his future. It doesn’t. It just holds lousy blueberries.

“You don’t have to do _anything_ , you know.”

“I couldn’t--” Alec says. “I’m not really one to sit around.”

Magnus eyes the pristine apartment. “I noticed,” he says dryly. Last week, Alec reorganized all his potions ingredients according to use, size, and name, respectively. Despite a brief flash of irritation, Magnus says it’s really quite helpful. Taking stock takes half the time it used to.

When Magnus speaks next, it's hesitant. “You don't have to stay if you don't want to. You never have to worry about money; I’ll always take care of that.” Magnus looks carefully down at his empty plate and plays with a few crumbs there. “You’re always welcome here, but if you need to go, then you can go.”

“What would I do somewhere else, huh? What use am I? What skills do I have? What have I ever done right?” Alec asks, anger bursting out, surprising them both, hot and alive and ugly. Until now, he hadn't known he was _furious_.

Magnus looks incredibly sad. “Alexander, I've always said you could do anything you set your mind to."

He doesn't feel like it.

“You could go to mundane college,” Magnus says neutrally, “or you could be a Shadowhunter again, even. Plenty of omegas work after they’ve had children.”

Alec’s head shoots up at that. “I’ve never seen them.”

“Yes, the Clave’s attitude towards male omegas tends to be…troubling, but I assure you, in other countries, there are omega Shadowhunters. I’ve seen them. Have you ever been outside the New York Institute?”

“No,” Alec says. His parents had told him of the disgraced omegas who couldn’t find a mate that sometimes had mundane jobs at other Institutes, but he’d never seen them personally.

“They fight along with the alphas as valued members of their teams.”

That sounds like a dream to Alec -- a beautiful, impossible dream. All he’s ever wanted to do is fight to protect others. It’s his calling and his mission in life, but he can’t imagine a world in which he’d be allowed to do what he loves. It sounds too big, too momentous to possibly be true. But Magnus has never lied to him.

“Alexander, there is so much more to the world than the small slice you’ve seen. Things of sorrow, yes, but also things of great beauty.” He’s looking directly at Alec when he says this.

Alec approaches it cautiously, still terribly afraid that it's a joke, that Magnus is going to chide him for being a silly omega but hopeful for the first time in a long while. “Tell me more,” he says.  
  
\---

  
Magnus warns him when there are clients coming around so Alec can retreat to his room. He doesn’t have to hide, Magnus has made that clear, but Alec is uneasy around strangers anymore. Catarina promises him that a lot of it has to do with the fact that he’s pregnant and his natural instincts are to retreat from perceived dangers. And Alec has learned the whole world is dangerous.

More and more, Magnus leaves the apartment to Alec and meets his clients elsewhere, and when he’s going to be out, he leaves a phone and cash, but Alec never touches either of them. He can’t stand the idea of taking even more charity. His belly’s swelling, his back aches while muscles stretch and bones shift to make room for the growing life inside him. What will his baby look like? Will it have Magnus’ eyes? His lovely skin? Will it be an omega, like Alec? God, he hopes not. He feels ashamed for even thinking it, but he wants his child to have an easier life than him.

Whatever happens, Alec will love his baby. He’ll never let anything or anyone hurt it. It stings a little, that his parents didn’t feel this way about him, but this baby is half Magnus, too, so it’s already so much more special than him.

A knock on the door makes him laugh. Magnus knocks when he’s out to give Alec time to adjust to having another person around. He knows how much it startles Alec for him to portal directly in. He insists he doesn’t mind, but it feels like another concession he’s making for Alec and his crazy hormones.

Whatever the reason, Alec looks forward to Magnus coming home. It's the brightest spot of his day, and it seems like Magnus enjoys his company, too. When Catarina comes to check up on him, measuring the baby's growth by pressing on his pelvis with careful pressure, she tells him that Magnus used to work all the time, never raced home after client meetings. Alec nurtures the warmth that blossoms in his chest at that, the feeling of wanting and being wanted in return.

Still grinning, Alec hurries to pull the door open, when his heart leaps up and lodges somewhere in his throat. Sebastian’s standing on the other side, leaning against the doorframe, ever handsome and predatory.

Alec’s whole body seizes up and goes cold. Stupid, stupid. He didn't even check to see who was at the door, just assumed it would be Magnus. He tries to slam the door when Sebastian's hand shoots out to stop him. "You've been hiding from me."

Alec shakes his head. "N-no."

Sebastian pushes him back into the apartment. "I caught the license plate of the car you got into. Wasn't hard to get an address from there. You think you can leave me? For him?" His mouth twists in disgust and Alec wonders how he ever could have found him handsome.

"No one gets to leave me," Sebastian says and brings back his fist, hits Alec hard enough that he stumbles and falls back.

Alec lies on the floor, trembling. Not again, he can’t survive this again.

But it’s not just him, is it? He reaches down and caresses his belly, feeling a small flurry of movement inside, like tinny bubbles popping against the inside of his body. He has someone else to protect.

He waits for Sebastian to come closer, then snakes a knee in between his legs and jabs up and outward, connecting hard and causing Sebastian to curse and double up on himself. Alec rolls over, scrabbles away towards the bedroom where he left his seraph blade.

At the door, hands wrap against his midsection, hauling him bodily back. Alec twists and brings an elbow back, hearing it connect with a crunch of bone and cartilage. The arms around him loosen and he lunges forward, fingers closing around his blade. He turns, slashing outward, and Sebastian barely dodges being gutted on the spot.

Alec doesn’t pull his punches, doesn’t hesitate. He’s re-learning to fight. Sebastian's going to have to kill him before he hurts either of them again.

"I should have known you could be bought. Such a cheap omega whore," Sebastian says with a sneer. "I don't know why I ever thought you were good enough for me."

"No," Alec says, realization dawning on him, "I'm better than you."

It’s true. It has been a long time since Alec's mind has been this calm, this clear. He’s centered; he knows what to do, can nearly map out the entire fight in his head. Sebastian is a tough fighter, but Alec’s better. He was born for this.

Sebastian laughs softly. "Because some warlock filth decided to go dumpster diving?"

"Because I don't have to rape and threaten people to get them to be loyal to me," Alec says and holds his blade at the ready.

Sebastian rushes him and Alec, in anticipation, brings his blade up, but Sebastian knocks his hand away. Alec compensates and drives his blade deep into the meat of Sebastian’s shoulder, feels blood well up over his fingers.

Behind Sebastian, a dark shadow coming through the door catches Alec's eye.

Magnus raises his hands and an explosion of electric blue rushes out, pushing Sebastian away from him and into the wall hard enough to crack the brick. Magnus lets his glamour drop, cat eyes glowing with rage as he pulls Sebastian out of the bedroom and towards the balcony.

“Magnus!” Alec yells, running after them.

He’s just in time to see Sebastian go over the side. He has less than a heartbeat to decide: Alec's life could go this way or that way. He could be safe or he could be a murderer. 

Alec races to the railing and desperately reaches out, fingers closing around something solid.

Magnus watches from the balcony doors, chest heaving. “You should let him fall, Alexander.”

Sebastian grunts in pain as the tension on his wounded shoulder increases. Alec won’t let go. If he lets him die, he's not any better than Sebastian. He doesn’t have much, but he has this. He has the knowledge that he’s a good person and no one can take that away from him. Alec strains against the weight and just when he feels Sebastian’s hand starts to slip, a strong pair of arms surrounds him and grabs ahold of Sebastian. Together, they pull him over the edge to safety.

Alec sits on the floor, arms shaking with exertion. “What made you change your mind?” he asks Magnus, who looks surprised at the question.

“You, of course.” Magnus rubs his chin. “I heard what he said. I was so furious, I would have let him die.”

“You wouldn’t have,” Alec says. He rubs his numb hands together nervously. He’s still a little in shock.

Magnus shakes his head. “You've always had more faith in me than I deserve.”

“Then live it up to it,” Alec tells him seriously, looking up at Magnus. “We’re having a baby, Magnus. We both have to do better.”

Magnus falls to his knees in front of Alec, golden eyes wide with wonder. “I will,” he promises. “You’re already making me a better person.” He leans forward and presses his lips against Alec’s, tender and sweet, and nothing like the frantic kisses they’ve shared before.

Next to them, Sebastian groans.

“Oh, shut up,” Magnus says and kicks him and shrugs when Alec gives him an admonishing glare. “Well, I guess I’m just okay.” He stares down at Sebastian with distaste. “What should we do with him?”

"Call the Institute." Alec thinks it would have been easier to let him go over the side, might have been easier to not fight at all. What will follow will be a report to the local Institute, having to recount his humiliating personal history, dig through painful memories, maybe even to Izzy or Jace. But he would’ve regretted any other decision.

He’s not forgiving Sebastian, but he has to move on for his own sake and for his baby’s.

Behind him, Magnus is on the phone giving someone their address. Alec stands on shaky legs, feeling his strength return slowly and surely, and tilts his face towards the sky, feeling the sun’s rays warm him inside and out. He fought and won.

He fought and _won_.

He doesn’t realize he's crying until he feels the drops of moisture hitting his hands, until he hears the sobs wrenching themselves out his own chest, deep wracking things that make his entire body shake. His hands grip the rail until his knuckles ache and palms sting.

Magnus comes out to the balcony and waits behind him.

In darker moments, Alec had wondered if he should take Magnus up on his offer to leave, just pack a bag and move away from the street corners he used to hustle, the family that threw him away, the place where he was violated. He’d wondered if he would ever find anything resembling happiness or calm here again.

Alec lets it pour out of him, the ugliness, the blame, the self-hatred, and sends it somewhere far away. Maybe it'll be back later, but today the sun is shining, and this is his home. 

Eventually, the sobs taper off, and then Alec’s breathing deep, gasping into the clear sky, feeling--

Feeling--

At peace, _finally_.  
  
\---

 

A group comes from the Institute to take statements and collect Sebastian. Among them is Izzy and Jace, and Alec refuses to talk to anyone but them. He recognizes a couple of the other Shadowhunters but most of them are strangers and having them in his home is putting him on edge. He crosses his arms over his middle protectively.

“Alec!” Izzy says, leaping towards him. Magnus intercepts her, and she’s confused enough that she lets him.

They go to his bedroom to recount his version of events, and he starts out slowly, mechanically. They might as well know everything; they will soon enough.

Izzy starts pacing long before he even gets around to Sebastian, and Jace, sensing Alec’s growing unease, whispers something to her. She throws one last longing glance at Alec, then leaves the room, closing the door softly behind her.

So Alec tells Jace all of it, sparing no detail until Jace leans back in the chair he pulled up to Alec's bedside. Jace very carefully stays still, hands folded in his lap.

Alec hasn’t seen him cry since he was a young child, but when he did, he always cried openly, eyes wide, like he couldn’t possibly do anything else. He’s crying now, tears running down his cheeks silently, shoulders shaking

Even without a rune, Alec is helpless in the face of Jace’s pain. Alec reaches out for him, fingers skimming his clasped hands lightly. As if given permission, Jace grabs his hand between his own and holds it tight. His hair flops forward, shadowing his face, and so familiar it aches. Neither of them is who they were just a few short years ago, but some things never change.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“It’s not your fault,” Alec says.

“Still,” Jace says, “I’m so sorry, Alec.”

As it turns out, Izzy tells him later, she and Jace had been looking for him despite their parent’s orders between missions. They hadn’t thought to check the worst places, though. Alec gets it; before it was his reality, he wouldn’t have ever thought he’d end up where he did, either.

Jace assures Alec that Sebastian won't ever again see the light of day.

Izzy approaches him slowly, arms open with intention, and Alec lets her hug him, wraps his arms around her, feeling her smaller fold into his perfectly. He remembers hugging her when she broke her arm for the first time, remembers feeding her when their parents were busy, remembers kissing her forehead at nighttime, back before she got too cool to be tucked in by her big brother.

Holding her in his arms, Alec feels another jagged piece slot back into place.

 

\---

 

Later, once everyone’s left, looking absolutely exhausted, Magnus asks Alec to come to bed. Just to sleep, nothing else, because he doesn’t want to be alone tonight. Truth be told, neither does Alec.

“I’m so tired of being alone,” Magnus says quietly, unbuttoning his shirt, dark purple smudges beneath his eyes.

So is Alec. What would it be like, to give and receive comfort? To be touched by someone that cares about him? He doesn’t know if he’s ever had that.

Alec follows Magnus, keeps all his clothes on, but slides beneath the sheets. It’s been a while since he’s been in bed with Magnus and the feeling of rightness hits him again. It’s like fighting Sebastian, like holding his stele or seraph blade, like rubbing his hands over his belly and feeling the responding movement inside. Slotting into your life, where you were always meant to be, is a powerful thing.

Magnus keeps a careful distance away, and emboldened, because it’s been a day for boldness and self-discovery, Alec scoots closer. “Where’s your mate?”

Magnus takes a deep breath and looks away like he can’t bear to look at Alec while he talks about it. “I should have explained before.”

“Yes, but tell me now, anyway.” He never asked before because he didn’t think he had the right to know, was maybe afraid of the answer, and didn’t want to make Magnus angry. But he deserves to know now, always had.

“I was ashamed.”

The room is mostly dark, lit only by the faint light from outside the bedroom, and he can see Magnus in profile now, his strong outline swathed in shades of gray with a faint hint of blue. “I’ve been thinking about it,” Alec says. “I know you have a past and you know most of mine, all the ugly, painful parts. Can’t change it, can’t go back. Might as well move forward. I think we’ve both had enough shame.”

“Her name was Camille. It was so long ago, but we’d bonded and then she just--left. I found out later she’d been cheating on me all along, taking lovers throughout the years. I was--I was so heartbroken, Alexander.”

Omegas cheating was considered one of the worst possible crimes, nearly impossible to fathom, but Alec can believe she cheated on Magnus. He thinks everyone - omegas, alphas, betas - they can all be pretty awful to each other. After all, they’re just people.

“Where is she now? Does she know about me?”

“I haven’t seen her for years, long before you were even born, before you were something I'd even thought to hope for. I couldn’t talk to her now even if I wanted to. Catarina seems to think our bond has broken somehow. I didn’t think it was possible, but how else can you explain what’s happened between us? Children are only conceived to mated couples."

Alec didn’t think it was possible, either, but the thing is, with Warlock’s long lives, it kind of makes sense that they might be afforded more than one chance at a mate. And honestly, who knows? Who knows why two souls are destined to be together? There’s precious little literature out there, but Alec thinks it’s less to do with lack of interest and more to do with the completely miraculous nature of the bond. It’s an issue for examining another day. He’s tired now, and he’s going with what his heart tells him.

“May I?” Magnus asks hesitantly, gesturing at Alec’s midsection.

“Sure,” Alec says and pulls the cover back. His hands slide against Alec's stomach where their baby kicks in greeting.

"I should have waited for you," Magnus says, "but at least I've found you now."

"I think maybe I was waiting for you for all this time," Alec says. "I just didn't know it."

Two different people from different walks of life see each other across the street: their eyes meet, and then through twists and turns, through ups and downs, they end up here, sharing a bed, with Magnus’ hands lightly rubbing the gentle swell of his belly while their baby kicks in sheer joy.

What other word is there for it than _miraculous_?

 

\---

 

Alec gets up and goes to the bathroom.

In front of the mirror, he strips off his clothes and examines himself critically. His face, which is just okay to him but seems to attract positive attention, sometimes unwanted; his torso, filling out with a steady, healthy diet; his belly, swollen and rounded with his child; his arms and hands, which have held a blade, swung a sword and saved his life numerous times; his legs, which carried him to safety long before he knew that such a thing existed.

It’s a good body to have, he decides, running his hands over himself. Each touch feels like reclaiming a lost part of himself, carefully rearranging the broken pieces into something brand new.

Alec once heard about _Kintsukuroi_ , the Japanese art of repairing shattered pottery carefully with gold to highlight the cracks in the object. It’s thought that pottery is more beautiful for having been broken, showing its history and its resilience. Alec thinks that’s kind of bullshit and the best pottery is pottery you don’t have to secretly worry about dribbling food down your chin when you use it, but it’s a nice thought.

It would be easy to wish nothing bad had ever happened to him, but it did, and he has no choice but to live in the aftermath. So he makes himself say it each morning until he can repeat the words without crying or flinching. He says it so he knows it happened, so it becomes just another thing that has happened to him, not an event that defined his life.

Alec looks away and gets dressed.

He heads to the kitchen to make breakfast. Magnus could conjure it, could order it, or they could go out, but Alec enjoys the mindless motions as he cracks and scrambles the eggs, fries bacon, and makes coffee. He doesn’t keep track of what he eats anymore, of what he owes Magnus. It took him a while to really understand, but Magnus doesn’t care about what Alec owes him, never has. He’s casually generous with everyone and certainly doesn’t begrudge Alec food and shelter. Alec can never pay him back with money, but he doesn’t have to. He makes food that Magnus hurries home to eat with him every night, grinning across the candlelit table at Alec, or standing at the counter, eating side by side, shoulders gently knocking together.

Magnus is unfurling like a flowerbud shut tight against the painful elements, and under Alec’s careful care, blossoming like the frozen ground after the first hint of Spring.

These are Alec’s gifts to the world: caring, fighting, survival. He loves, even when he can’t love himself.

He’s getting there, though.

 

\---

 

From then on, they spend every night in the same bed. Alec still keeps his separate room for the bad nights when he can’t stand to be close to another body, when Magnus breathes too loudly, and Alec lies awake and stares at the ceiling, joints aching and thinks that this life he’s built might dissipate like the smoke after a candle is blown out.

He retreats to his bedroom and sits on the bed and shakes.

Magnus always wakes up, knocks softly on the door and asks if he’s okay.

He waits until Alec feels strong enough to come out, until Alec changes his clothes and washes his face, ready to face the world again. Sometimes it takes a few minutes, sometimes the whole day.

Alec opens the door to greet Magnus, who is sitting on the floor by his door, waiting for him, here if he needs him. Alec slides down next to him, lays his head on Magnus’ shoulder and shares the weight of it all.

Alec always needs him. It’s frightening how much he needs him.

 

\---

 

Eventually, completely fed up with his own bullshit, Alec ventures out. It’s just around the corner, nothing exciting, but he wants to pick up something to eat. It's overwhelming and croweded and he nearled turns back a half-dozen times, but he makes it.

When he gets back to the apartment, Catarina is sitting in a chair talking quietly with Magnus and she’s--well. There’s really no kind way to say it, she is quite literally blue. Alec blinks, and Magnus looks startled. “Alexander! I thought you were in your room.”

“If it makes you uncomfortable, I can put my glamour back up,” Catarina says evenly. She doesn’t look bothered either way.

“No, it’s fine,” Alec says without thinking. “Blue is my favorite color anyway.”

“Really?” Magnus asks.

“No,” Alec huffs. “It’s green, but it seemed rude to say so.”

Catarina throws her head back in laughter and after a brief pause, Magnus joins in. Alec grins and sets his bag on the table. “You went out,” Magnus observes, poking through his bag. “And you bought…a lot of junk food.”

“I was _hungry_.”

“Do you want to eat first, or do you want to do your checkup now?” Catarina asks.

“Checkup,” Alec says and leads her to his room, where he stips off his shirt and lies on the bed. His back body aches in new and unfamiliar ways.

“If it hurts to be flat, you can prop yourself up with some pillows,” Catarina says and grabs some of the tiny perplexing pillows Alec stacked carefully in the corner. Alec raises his head and she slides a couple beneath him. It instantly helps the ache in his upper back, and he thanks her.

“I’ve known Magnus for a long time, and he’s so much different now,” she says, rolling her sleeves up. “So are you.”

“I don’t feel different.” He gestures at his stomach. “ Except, you know, fatter.”

“You went out today. That was a big step. You shouldn’t discount that.” She sits beside him on the bed and reaches over.

“It was really only a few steps,” Alec says seriously.

She chuckles and runs a blue hand through his hair. “I think it’s hard to see how far we’ve come until we get to the end of the journey.”

“So deep.”

“Yeah, you’re really suited for Magnus,” she says and measures the space between his ribs and pelvis. “Growth looks good.”

Suddenly nervous, he licks his lips and takes her hand. He’s not really asking about the baby anymore. “How soon?”

“Any day now,” she tells him.

 

\---

 

Sometimes, it’s Magnus that wanders off.

Once again, Alec rolls over to find the bed empty. He grabs one of Magnus’ discarded silk robes and slips it on, cinching it around his waist as far as it‘ll go, which admittedly is not far, but it‘s better than nothing. He knows where to find Magnus.

On the balcony, Magnus is sitting in one the chairs, staring up at the sky. Alec lowers himself slowly in the chair opposite him. He’s gotten so huge, he does everything slowly now.

He tried to take a bath last week and thought he’d need a four-man moving crew to help get him back out of the tub. He’d called out to Magnus, who had come running in wild-eyed and panicked until he saw Alec repeatedly trying and failing to haul himself out, and laughed until he had to sit down, wheezing and near tears.

“Are you going to help me or not?” Alec had muttered, clinging to the side of the tub for dear life.

Magnus had grabbed a towel and wrapped it around Alec’s shoulders as they carefully coordinated movements to get Alec up on two feet again, dried off, and dressed. Then, worn out, they’d both decided to nap, laying next to each other on the bed with afternoon light slanting in from the window as they dozed on and off.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Alec asks. There’s an empty crystal glass in front of him. Alec wonders how many times it’s been refilled. Probably too many.

Magnus smiles, but it’s a bitter, unhappy thing. “I think about the day I sent you away, did you know that? All the time, and it just--it hurts that I did that to you. I feel like everything bad that happened to you was my fault.”

In his weakest moments, Alec wonders if it’s Magnus’ fault, too. It’s one of the shittier aspects of human nature, he thinks. You look for someone to blame, someone to lash out at, someone to make hurt as much as you do.

But Magnus couldn’t have known what would happen, and Alec had left, had gone straight home instead of stopping by the library, hadn’t locked the door behind him. It was no one’s fault except Sebastian's and everything that lead him to that place? Was just circumstance and a series of endless choices. He has to believe that.

You make your choices based on the limited information you have at the time and let the chips fall where they may.

“Let’s go to bed,” Alec says instead. He can’t forgive Magnus because there’s nothing on his end to forgive Magnus for. He has to learn to forgive himself. Alec can be there for him in the meantime, waiting for him.

 

\---

 

Sometime in the night, Magnus shifts against his back. Magnus sleeps folded around Alec, head pillowed on his arm, the other protectively draped over his rapidly swelling belly.

“Are you mine?” Magnus asks quietly.

“That’s a really creepy question, Magnus,” Alec says sleepily. “Do you ask everyone that?”

“Just you. And Camille, once. You’re the only one who’s ever said yes.”

Alec stays silent, thinking. He's only ever belonged to others, and he's bought the right to his own body with blood, sweat, and tears. But he thinks it's different when you give part of yourself to someone else instead of forcibly having it ripped away. What is the purpose of owning yourself if you do nothing with it? Souls are meant to be shared, that's why the bonds exist.

“I guess that depends,” Alec says slowly, “are you mine?”

“Yes, surely you have to know that by now, Alexander.”

Alec hadn’t, not really. He’d suspected, but there’s something about hearing it aloud. He guesses Magnus needed to hear it, too.

“Then yes,” Alec says, although he’s known it for a long time now. He was Magnus’ from the first time he saw him, from the first time he got into the car with him, from the first moment they slept together. Neither of them had known it at the time, but it doesn’t make it any less true.

“And will you always be mine?”

“Yes,” Alec says and rolls over to face Magnus. He presses the truth of the words into Magnus’ mouth, his cheeks, his neck, and his hands, clasped tightly in his own.

Outside, the sun’s coming up after the long night. It always does.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy fuckballs this is done.

 

The air in Lisbon is sticky and hot.

Magnus closed up his apartment in Brooklyn and resigned from his position. He says he’s sick of New York anyway and ready for a change. Alec thinks they’ll be back, though. Someday. In the meantime, Izzy and Jace are just a portal away.

Alec’s nervous but ready for his position at the Lisbon Institute. He’s been training for months to get back into shape. Behind him, Magnus steps through the portal with their son, who’s laughing at the silly faces Magnus is making at him, mouth wide open and gummy and pink.

48 hours of labor, and their son was born weighing 7lbs and 6 oz. He came into the world red-faced and screaming, already a fighter. Drowsy from the sedatives, Alec had held his tiny baby in his arms and marveled that life could give him such a gift. Next to him, holding his arms steady, Magnus blinked damp eyes and touched their son’s head so softly, reverently skimming his fingers over the dark fuzz there. Their son opened his eyes, no more than an angry squint, and Alec caught a glimpse of the bright golden cat eyes and grinned.

When their son was a few months old and sleeping on his own in his nursery, Alec leaned into Magnus and kissed him, a surprising lick of desire igniting somewhere low in his belly. 

“Are you sure?” Magnus said, even as he strained toward Alec, tense like a bowstring over-tightened and quivering.

“Yes,” Alec said, kissed him again, hot and open-mouthed, tongue swiping at Magnus’ lips and felt them open beneath his. 

Alec pushed Magnus back and climbed on top of him, reaching back to stretch himself open slowly, stopping to kiss Magnus again and again. When he felt as ready as he’d ever be, he lowered himself onto Magnus, felt him fill him up totally and completely. He’d missed this, had been a little afraid it would be lost to him forever. Thighs burning, he rocked gently, fucking himself onto Magnus’ cock, taking his time as Magnus sighed into his mouth. It was slow, terrifying, agonizing, and unspeakably tender. When Alec came, he felt Magnus shudder beneath him, inside him, arms around him. It felt like finally coming home after being away on a long journey. 

It was perfect as things could get, and Alec appreciated it for the fact that it was fleeting. Perfect moments never last -- that’s part of their beauty. And it was beautiful.

Ahead of them, the Lisbon Institute shimmers on the horizon, and Alec waits for Magnus and their son to catch up. "Been waiting long?" Magnus asks as he jogs up, loaded down with their son and a ridiculously overstuffed diaper bag.

"All my life," Alec says.

Then they make their way, as a family, towards their future.

 

 

 

 


End file.
